20101026

options

there have been things on my mind lately
things like family and the issues that we have with each other
and making room for new family
and realizing that alex and i are indeed a family unit now
i must take part in building this unity,
instead of being an overly emotional crazy being 
(which i find comes more naturally than pensive, reasonable, and patient)

maybe i have sun downer's syndrome
which happens to some people 
their emotions flare up at night (as mine do)
and i find myself crying uncontrollably
for no real reason, except that i have gotten use 
to the feeling of crying, like its a drug for my psyche

so now i eat grapes
as i read articles after article written by aiko herzig
trying desperately to eek out some sort of living
out of this vain attempt to not scrub floors or have to 
clean toliets, just to make rent
but alas, i feel strange not making my money
from the sweat and ache of my body
but instead from my mind

maybe there is just too many options on 
which way to go in life
and where to place ourselves next
and what if my dream is to find community
but i realize that keeping community is harder than finding
and indeed, it is something that we need to survive

so maybe i don't surrender or give up, quite yet,
that was pre-mature of me to say and publicly announce
to the world of blogger and facebook,
but sometimes, its like cussing someone out, or attempting
to smack someone in the face,
the violence is what makes you feel a bit better in 
the end, but does it.  

it leaves me just feeling violent,
and a little bit
worn
out.

--a'misa

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