south bay vs. the rest of the world

when i lived in atlanta, i felt myself being pulled back to the south bay, for many differing reasons, yet now, 10 months later, i find myself tired of living in a place that i called 'home' for most of my childhood. in high school i felt stuck here, as if the ground was just sinking into itself and taking me with it, like quicksand. i knew i had to leave, to see new things, to experience new people. i felt like i was constantly in a state of 'leaving', for vacation, for school, to work. i never really let myself just stay. so after 5 years of running, i decided to move back "home".

the word "home" is daunting. it brings so many emotions together. i feel safe, secure, accepted, judged, obligated, stuck, stagnant, loved, well-fed, all well enclosed in the bubble i love and depise so desperately. but this last 9 months have been good. i've met many of whom i've known since birth-days, yet who have transformed into relatively decent human beings with critical minds attatched to their familiar faces. this inspires me to stay. yet... yet...

i want to see the world still. and i don't want to just 'visit on vacation'. i want to live it, breathe it, just be it. i want to stay for long enough where it too becomes my "home". i want to experience people in different places, and learn to love the food they love. i want to walk down the streets of many cities, yet it be so part of my routine that i just feel as if the streets of paris, of japan, of new zealand, of hawaii, of mexico, of argentina, of south africa, are my home.


zorana ngai said...

wow i really like this post. ironicly i JUST watched INTO THE WILD on my computer, i downloaded it last night, and it's like totally that contagious feeling of going out living outside of "home". but i love the end of the movie where he realized 'happiness is only real shared'. oh what a great movie.. i wish i could do the same. in time.. in time..

Megumi said...

Come and live with me for a few months in Japan. Seriously.