when i first started journaling in 1999-2001 era, post- ghostworld changing my life, i use to write about boys and how boys affected most aspects of my life. i would write about individuals and their every movement. i believe it was a need for attention and relationship. over the years i hope that i've progressed as a person, yet the subject make didn't change, it only went from a 'hope for a relationship' to the 'pain and suffering and fuck up ness of one'. so then i entered my "MARA phase" (mara which means bitter- a pam goto sermon illustration). and boy, was i bitter. i mean i knew of alex for a long time before we entered a relationship, and he probably can remind you of how i viewed men before him. i was a bit cynical, though realistic. there was much changing within me that is still happening and i still get into modes where i hate men (though i love alex) and i unfairly clump all persons with certain genitalia into the same category.
so i wrote until all the bitterness was gone, and now i am in a different phase of life, where i am now trying to figure myself out in the systems that i reside in, both willingly and unwillingly (family, religion, class, race, socially). i write a lot about how i feel 'forced' and 'unfree' to be myself with my family. that many times i do not feel free to express my true self and my true beliefs, so i don't and i try to go to their church, yet i feel a lack.
i guess i'm finally realizing that i must forge my own path, and be my own person, and figure out god for myself. i do not wish to adopt my parents ways of thinking, believing, and being because it doesn't work for me. the generation that we live, seems similar to theirs, yet entirely different. i do believe that i am realizing the break that a child must make from their parent, yet i do feel that my mom clings hard to her child, because she is unsure of the decisions that it will make. i guess i feel that for me the break happened when i had to make a life changing decision for me, and only me, that that's when i saw myself as me, and no longer a dependent.