in my room

its getting cold out.
the leaves are coming.
they made a semi circle outside our door today.
we used to rake up huge piles of leaves
and jump in them.
i always worried that a spider would crawl in my ear.

i found a pair of pink crocheted feet booties in bach's place.
i wonder if grandma sue made them.
they are keeping my feet warm.

i'm beginning to pack my things in my mind, what things i would take, what i would give away, what i would leave behind. i want to be able to carry my possessions, but then again, i have a lot of books that i would like to have with me on my adventures. perhaps they will just have to stay in my parent's place until i'm stable and secure enough to have them. alex and i are beginning to plot out our travels-- trips to oregon, washington and northern california, possible vermont.

i feel a slight pressure to work at an administrative job where i have to catch my mouth drool with my free hand- but thinking about it more, i don't have to feel pressured to do anything. isn't this my life that i'm trying to live, not the expectations of others (which i feel intensely at times, though i don't know who is exactly pressuring me). so i have decided to simply work to live, meaning making enough monies to support the life i'm living (which i plan on being a relatively low budget... hopefully). i talked to Mom tonight about the feeling strange about living torrance for good. i feel like i'm abandoning torrance/gardena and this "legacy" that has been set for me to follow. but you know what, i want to live my life too, and not just in the shadows on my ancestors. and don't i bring them along to where ever i go next. i mean i bring the traditions and the cooking and the way of life with me, because it is instilled in me, and doesn't that mean much more. i'm just sick of feeling like i have to carry on the next generation on my shoulders, the burden feels so heavy at times.

i was riding my bike down Western the other day, and stopped into sakurya's mochi manju shop. the guy Mas beginning telling me the history of the shop (starting from the early 50's- post war times) and how all the sons learned the mochi business from their dad. the mochi business is in a decline because the new generation of JA kids (mainly the yonseis) don't bring mochi has a gift when visiting friends -- they more likely bring high priced cupcakes like sprinkles or yogurt from pink berry, or some shiz like that. he was telling me that i have to spread the word about the mochi business and keep him in business. strange. i feel pressure at that point to begin advocating on behalf of this small business owner to keep him in business. i do feel the changing demographics of gardena and north torrance, but there is nothing that can be done, other than flow with it. no people have ever claimed a land, just look with the native americans with the pilgrims. i sort of hate the pilgrims. they were land stealing, good for nothing farmers.

i'm trying to live in the present, and see torrance for what its worth, but also i'm keeping my ears open for an opportunity to start a life.

No comments: